Synthetic... I think

So I love cities by the sea. There is good seafood, coffee, and men. I was with Montreal today and headed to his house for the first time. That is right... the first time. Usually we just come to my place or go out somewhere so I actually thought, whoa he might be thinking seriously about me. We took the ferry over and it was romantic and refreshing. It gave me too much time to think about what his place was going to be like. I never have high expectations for anyone’s place because let’s be honest, being an Interior Design hobbyist, no one’s place is good enough. I shouldn’t be so hard on him, he did take good care of himself and his car was always sharp. So I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah right...It probably has a Black leather sectional, a Black lacquer and Gold trimmed entertainment center with a panther picture hanging, incense burning (weed smoker... like that really cloaks the odor) oh and some African figurines’.... don’t play games we all have seen it in a some guys living room! Really though I was thinking, hmmm he must have finally thought I wasn’t a stalker or he just got the rest of his ex’s shit out of the house so it is safe to bring me through. Either way my curiosity was killing me...suspense...suspense...suspense! We pulled into the neighborhood which was a bit boring, we were definitely in a “White” neighborhood, but I liked the fact that there were not a lot of cars on the street or bad ass kids running, playing, or riding around like the little demons they are. (Come on I like kids...don't be like that, it is a telling) like don’t you hate when they have rock wars with your neighbors landscaping, that your neighbor went overboard on in the first place, and now these little fucking rocks are all over the middle of the road. Crunch...Crunch...I hate it! Anyways....FOCUS... we finally pulled up to the driveway. His home was not as exciting as I thought it would be. Big surprise! Don’t get me wrong it was a nice starter... ok appetizer of a home. Very modest and needed some work. Montreal had said, “You should come with me to pick out plants and flowers to do the yard. I know you love anything to do with Home and Garden”. I just laughed and smiled sweetly, but really I was thinking let’s get inside to evaluate whether we need to sell, buy or redo something. Deep breath...and we're back. I walked into a split level, up or down is your choice. He went down so I followed. It opened up to a Great room with a Big Screen T.V, Sectional (Black leather...I told ya!) and a laundry room. We continued to the upstairs where immediately you are drawn to the left where a large floral arrangement hung on the wall. (huh?) As you reached the top of the stairs there was a sofa and matching chair with a coffee table that had a centerpiece that matched the large floral arrangement. At this point I was starting to hear the “Gay-dar” humming. I turned to Montreal and said, “Did you decorate this place yourself?” he turned to me and laughed, “No, my Mother did.” I exhaled. I looked down the hall and started moving. Montreal began to move ahead of me kind of like a road block. I looked at him and before I could say anything he said, “You don’t want to go down there. My room is a mess and there is nothing in the other bedrooms.” RED FLAG...the sirens went off..... “Oh well, we are not doing anything so I can help you clean it” I pushed through like a woman on a mission. The room was very large with a king size bed. The comforter was Blue with a matching bed skirt. Numerous pillows were on the floor, too many if you ask me. Was there a sale at Anna's linens...Jesus get some self control! Montreal was right, clothes everywhere...like the room threw up! Let’s take a time out......You’re Montreal...you decide to bring over the girl you’re dating...wouldn’t you think to pick up your room? The room had two large closets, one to the left and one to the right. I began picking up stuff and asking where to put it. The timid and quiet Montreal would just take it from me and open the closet on the right. I would pick up something else and it would go to the right closet. After a few more times of pretending to be robots I said, “What the fuck is in the left closet, you never put anything in there?” Montreal had a look come over his face like he had just seen a ghost. RED FLAG...the sirens went off..... I asked him if he was ok, he mumbled yes, and went on to say nothing was in there, the right closet is so big there was no need to use it. BULLSHIT...I gave him the look of .....is that right, I slid back the right side closet door and it was so packed I didn’t understand why he kept putting stuff in there. Is someone a pack rat....oh hell to the no, I can’t be with someone who is a pack rat! I continued to pick up his room and placing items in the closet. Finally I decided I was going to start putting stuff in to the left closet. Of course I didn’t ask because that is how I do it. The element of surprise always spices up a relationship. I picked up a pair of pants and grabbed a hanger. I folded the pants over the hanger rod and opened the left closet door. As I peered in, laughter began to consume me. Son of a biscuit eating bulldog, this fool has really pulled a stunt, but I was actually not as shocked as I should have been. I turned to look at Montreal he was composed standing straight with no expression, just at attention. Remember in Harry Potter when the Basilisk
would look at you in the eyes, you go into the catatonic state...imagine that with a splash of shock. I looked into the closet again and reached in to pull out what looked to be a fake hair extension, I believe it was a synthetic drawstring ponytail, attached to a pant hanger......SERIOUSLY? I then pushed back the door and found a wardrobe of Women’s clothing, shoes and handbags. Montreal moved to the opposite side of me and now had an expression of terror. I looked at him with the expression of laughter, anger, mistrust and wonder. Let’s be honest I was ready to fire first and then ask questions....lucky for him I had to hear this explanation. I could feel my temperature rising at this point. I am sure if looks could kill I would have burnt his ass up all the while roasting a marshmallow. “Montreal” I said, “whose stuff is this?” For a second there was silence. I said again, “hey” snapping my fingers and clapping at him, “whose stuff is this!” Then this little mouse said, “Mine” wait for it.....I burst into delirious, hysterical laughter. Cackling like Cruella Deville. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Tears were coming to my eyes and I felt as though my lungs were going to burst. Montreal began laughing too and now we both were busting up hysterically. I began thinking, get the fuck out of here....does he really think I am an amateur or I am that stupid, this is not my first rodeo....This stuff is NOT his...I mean REALLY! Just as he began to loosen up and felt comfortable thinking this atrocious lie had worked...please. I straightened up my composure and with a serious roar of a Lion or a Pit-bull Mother protecting her pup...I barked, snarled and drooled “PUT SOMETHING ON THEN!”